Ernest, Frank… Letter by letter she continues to analyze the sounds and impressions. What is this? Dear god. Dear Jesus, sweet Jesus. George, Harold… She begins to suspect the answer is beyond her reach. She sends out fingers of desire, need, thought- tries to project them into her past, pull out something stable. The images seep through her fingers like fine sand peppered with doubt. Irving, Johnothan, Kenneth, Lyle… She has a deep envy of the living. She is tired of her half-existence. She is tired of being sad, tired of not even minding that someone her age should grieve. And in the thin bony box of her head she understands, and accepts, the fact that her immense unhappiness is doomed to irrelevance anyway. Why worry? Why yearn toward a dream that is doomed to be unfulfilled? Because it would ease my regret. The woman can’t even express her inner turmoil to others, apart from holding onto a loud, scratchy moan. She does this, on occasion, to no effect. She feels a part of her. I had the evening at home, Halloween andknowledge that it would be okay to dress as Lisa. I went home thinking a shave,shower and transformation was at hand. It never happened! Sounds weird, huh? Ithought so too.Let me explain. I arrived home, went into the bathroom and took out my razor andshave cream. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that it just wasn'tgoing to be any fun without my wife to help or kibitz while I was transformingmyself into Lisa. She gives me a very critical eye on proper shading and colorselection. It is really nice to have someone honest enough to tell you when youchoose a horrible eye or lip color. I also didn't have a clue where to go once Iwas dressed! So I shaved, but decided not to change or anything else. I prepareddinner for when my wife arrived home and we spent a quiet night snuggledtogether on the couch.I asked myself many times over the next few weeks, 'WHY? Why didn't I dress? Imean Halloween is better than saying 'It's OK! I had Subway!'.
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